Self-Regulation

“For adults and children alike, being in control of ourselves requires becoming familiar with our inner world and accurately identifying what scares, upsets, or delights us.” – Bessel A. Van Der Kolk

Self-regulation includes a range of capacities or abilities related to emotions, thinking or cognition, and behaviors. It is commonly defined as the ability to delay immediate gratification, along with the ability to calm down and moderate distressing thoughts, feelings, and behaviors when upset or faced with difficult challenges.  

In psychoanalytic psychology, self-regulation overlaps with the concept of ego functioning and includes reality-testing, judgment, regulation of drives, relationships, thought process, healthy regression, autonomy, mastery, and competence, all of which are heavily influenced by experiences with early caregivers and our early environment. From this perspective, ego flexibility is viewed as optimal for psychological well-being and involves a capacity that balances inhibition or control with acting more freely and with less inhibition.      

Research, starting with the famous Marshmallow Test (Mischel et al., 1958 & 1961), during which children of various ages are prompted with scenarios that involve choosing between immediate gratification or the option to delay for a more impressive reward at a later point, has consistently demonstrated the association between the capacity to delay gratification and more adaptive behaviors later in life. Research findings suggest better academic performance, higher self-esteem, less substance abuse, more secure attachment, better interpersonal skills, and greater resiliency in adulthood are more likely for children with a greater capacity for self-regulation.   

Self-regulation can be separated into three basic areas. Cognitive self-regulation includes executive functioning and skills such as goal setting, focusing attention, self-monitoring, problem-solving, perspective-taking, and decision-making. Emotional self-regulation involves actively managing strong feelings and emotionally charged situations as well as expressing emotions effectively. Behavioral self-regulation includes following rules, delaying gratification (like the Marshmallow Test), persistence, impulse control, coping strategies, and goal-oriented behaviors.

Cognitive self-regulation tips

Develop problem-solving skills to understand how to act when faced with obstacles.

Monitor thoughts and label cognitive distortions (i.e., “all-or-nothing thinking,” “anticipating disaster,” “personalization,” and “emotional reasoning”).

Reframe distorted or negative thinking patterns with rational alternative thoughts by looking at the bigger picture and considering what you might tell a friend or loved one with similar concerns. 

Emotional regulation tips

Recognize situations or triggers that elevate your emotional state. 

Identify emotions and share feelings with another person (e.g., using “I feel” statements).

Recognize how strong emotions influence thoughts and behaviors.

Manage strong emotions through techniques such as reframing, breathing, mindfulness, progressive muscle relaxation, or other grounding strategies.

Behavioral self-regulation tips

Identify strategies for delaying gratification, such as the use of distraction or shifting your attention elsewhere.  

Pause and give yourself five minutes before acting on a decision.

Identify strategies for controlling impulses, such as choosing to avoid people and places that encourage any number of unhealthy behaviors. 

Dr. Thomas Lindquist, Psy.D.

Licensed Psychologist

Contact: t.lindquist.psyd@gmail.com