In 2019 study, researchers examined whether cultural changes coincided with an increase in perfectionism in college students over the last 27 years. Their analysis revealed that levels of self-oriented perfectionism, socially prescribed perfectionism, and other-oriented perfectionism have increased, suggesting that recent generations of young people perceive that other people are more demanding of them, are more demanding of others, and are more demanding of themselves.

Perfectionism is all around us. As a society, we strive for perfection in our physical appearance, academic or work performance, homes and belongings, relationships, and even in our children. 

Is it surprising so many young people (and many not-so-young people) attempt the impossible task of being perfect?

Perfectionism is a trait that makes life an endless evaluation as we attempt to obtain the impossible. It is sometimes perpetuated by underlying fears of criticism and judgement as well as insecurities about our competency and worth. Although at times it can serve as motivation, most often is serves as fuel for our inner critic and leads to a sense of feeling unsatisfied and unworthy. 

Signs of perfectionism (Frost, 1990):

Setting unrealistically high standards

Being overly critical of mistakes (both your and others)

Striving for approval

Reassurance seeking

Minimizing compliments

Setting higher goals than most people

Feeling that things are not quite right despite your best efforts

Difficulty with being less than the best 

Doubting your performance even on simple everyday things 

Needing to get things ’just right’ 

Perfectionistic beliefs (Frost, 1990):

“If I fail partly, it is as bad as being a complete failure.” 

“Only outstanding performance is good enough.”

“People will probably think less of me if I make a mistake.” 

“If I do not do well, people will not respect me.”

“Other people seem to accept lower standards from themselves than I do.”

“If I do not set the highest standards for myself, I’m likely to end up a second-rate person.”

Tips for overcoming perfectionism 

Fear of failure

Fear of failing creates undue stress and anxiety. Work to accept that failure is a part of life and success often comes as the result of many failed attempts.  

Growth-mindset 

A growth mindset means that you thrive on challenges and typically do not see failure as a way to describe yourself, but as a springboard for growth and personal development. Rather than striving to avoid mistakes and failures, reframe them as a normal and essential part of your growth.

Feel proud 

Appreciate compliments and celebrate your accomplishments, rather than minimizing the positive feedback. Take time to celebrate your accomplishments before brushing them off and hastily moving to the next task. 

Accomplishments

Rather that focusing solely on accomplishments to feel good or support your sense of self-esteem, focus on your positive qualities, values, and strengths. Likewise, rather than focusing on the outcome of your work, focus on the process of learning or working toward your goals.  

Avoid comparisons 

Comparisons are never fair or accurate because we often do not have the full picture or only seen what others want us to see. Ultimately, comparisons only validate our fears and self-doubts.  

Challenge perfectionistic beliefs.

Our beliefs are typically reflected in our thoughts. Become more aware of your inner critic and practice being mindful of how you talk to yourself. Notice if you relate to the perfectionist beliefs listed above and practice challenging or considering alternatives to these beliefs. 

Self-compassion

Rather than criticizing yourself, become aware of your inner critic and work to shift your inner dialogue to one of self-compassion. Try to give yourself the same compassion that you would show to a friend or family member.

Acceptance

Accept that perfection is an impossible goal. We all make mistakes as we learn and grow. Have the courage to be imperfect.  

Dr. Thomas Lindquist, Psy.D.

Licensed Psychologist

Contact: t.lindquist.psyd@gmail.com