Boundaries are generally understood as the invisible and symbolic lines that separates us from others by keeping others from coming into our personal space and keeping us from going into the space of others. Boundaries are also an important way for us to embody our sense of self or “who we are.” Healthy boundaries are strong, yet flexible, in contrast to rigid boundaries or absent boundaries.    

Boundaries are most frequently discussed as external; however, internal boundaries can be equally important. Our internal boundaries help to protect our thinking, feelings, and behavior.  

Healthy internal boundaries are at work when we can take responsibility for our thinking, feelings, and behavior and separate them from others. This allows us to stop blaming others for how we feel. Likewise, internal boundaries can allow us to let go of attempts to control others or become overly involved in worrying about how others feel. Internal boundaries also provide a separateness that allows us to have our own feelings, make our own decisions, and to understand and ask for what we want without needing to please others.  

Perhaps not surprisingly, boundaries originate from our childhood relationships and family experiences. If our parents struggled with boundaries, it is more likely that we have faced some challenges in developing our boundaries and acting in flexible ways to maintain healthy boundaries.  

Some barriers to setting healthy boundaries include fear, ambivalence, black-and-white thinking, low self-worth, a people pleasing style, confusion around assertive versus aggressive communication, and lack of practical knowledge and experience in how to set a boundary. Nevertheless, we can learn to set boundaries and work to overcome barriers such as low self-worth or fear of disappointing others.  

What are your boundaries?

Take a moment to reflect on a time when your boundaries were crossed. What happened? How did you react? How did you feel?  

Take a moment to think about a time when you needed to set a boundary. Did you take immediate action, pause, or avoid? What made it difficult? What could have helped you be more successful? Where does your response to setting boundaries originate?

Tips for setting boundaries

First and foremost, become increasingly aware of your boundaries and need for boundaries.

Recognize what boundaries need to be set.

Recognize when a boundary has been crossed.

Expect some resistance when setting a boundary. 

Communicate as clearly as possible without needing to offer an excuse. 

Use I-statements and refer to specific behaviors that violated your boundaries. 

Consider outcomes, “What will happen if I set a boundary? What will happen if I don’t?”

Understand your time and your priorities. 

Practice tolerating discomfort and uncertainty.    

If necessary, pause and ask for space to reflect before responding to a boundary violation.

Respect the boundaries of others by asking permission to give feedback or when asking a more personal question.  

Ultimately, intact, and flexible boundaries allow for us to welcome intimacy into our lives while remaining protected from being mistreated and maintaining a sense of safety. Boundaries allow for us to be truer to ourselves and others, while also allowing us to build more authentic relationships and support our sense of self-worth.

Dr. Thomas Lindquist, Psy.D.

Licensed Psychologist

Contact: t.lindquist.psyd@gmail.com