In our spiritual or psychological growth, one of the most difficult, and most transformative, practices is learning to extend compassion to those we dislike, fear, or judge. Whether it’s a former friend, a difficult family member, or a public figure whose values we oppose, the idea of wishing them well can feel impossible. But, as Buddhist teacher Pema Chödrön reminds us, the very people who stir discomfort in us are our best teachers. They reveal the boundaries of our compassion and offer a path to transcend them.

Why Practice Loving-Kindness Toward Difficult People?

Loving-kindness meditation trains the mind and heart to remain open. When we reserve compassion only for those we like, we unintentionally reinforce a defensive ego structure that keeps us stuck in fear, resentment, and self-righteousness.

Pema Chödrön writes, “The people who repel us unwittingly show us where we are stuck.” Through them, we learn the power of unconditional friendliness, not because they deserve it, but because we deserve freedom from the pain of hatred and division.

 What Loving-Kindness Meditation Is (And Isn’t)

Loving-kindness is not about approving of someone’s harmful behavior or forcing yourself to feel warm and fuzzy. It is about:

• Acknowledging our shared humanity
• Letting go of our inner narratives of separation
• Cultivating the intention that all beings—including difficult ones—be free from suffering

 Step-by-Step Guide: Loving-Kindness for Difficult People

This meditation builds in stages, gradually widening your circle of compassion.

1. Begin with Yourself

Start by grounding in your own body and breath. Connect to a sense of caring and compassion you have felt from someone at some point in your life and fully embrace the feeling of being loved. Then, silently repeat:

May I be safe.

May I be happy.

May I be healthy.

May I live with ease.

Let these phrases sink in without forcing feelings. You’re planting seeds.

2. Bring to Mind a Loved One

Picture someone who naturally evokes affection (a friend, mentor, child, or pet). Say to them:

May you be safe.

May you be happy.

May you be healthy.

May you live with ease.

Notice the warmth that arises and rest in it for a few moments.

3. Think of a Neutral Person

Now picture someone you neither like nor dislike, perhaps a neighbor, barista, or delivery person. Offer them the same wishes.

May you be safe…

This helps us expand compassion beyond the personal.

4. Bring to Mind the Difficult Person

This is the heart of the practice. Bring someone to mind with whom you feel irritation, hurt, or conflict. Without denying your feelings, repeat:

Just like me, this person wants to be happy.

Just like me, this person has known pain.

May you be safe.

May you be free from suffering.

If resistance arises, welcome it. As Pema teaches, “stay with the soft spot.” The point is not perfection, but practice.

5. End with All Beings

Expand your intention outward:

May all beings everywhere be safe, happy, and free from suffering.

 A Practice of Courage and Humility

Practicing loving-kindness toward those we don’t like doesn’t mean we’re condoning harm or giving up boundaries. It means we’re taking responsibility for our inner life.

Pema Chödrön teaches that the moment we resist someone, we’re invited to soften, to breathe, and to wake up to the fixed views that separate us. This is the path of the bodhisattva – the warrior of compassion.

 Final Thoughts

The next time you have to spend time with a family member you dislike: pause, breathe, and remind yourself that just like you, they suffer and have known pain. Remind yourself that just like you, they want to be happy. The next time someone provokes you: pause, breathe, and internally offer them the simple wish: May you be free from suffering. It won’t change them. But it might just transform you.

Dr. Thomas Lindquist, Psy.D.

Licensed Psychologist

Contact: t.lindquist.psyd@gmail.com