Relationships are full of spoken agreements—who does the dishes, how money is spent, what weekends look like. But many of the most powerful agreements are the ones we don’t talk about. These are the “covert contracts”: unspoken bargains we make in our heads without ever letting our partner in on them.

What Is a Covert Contract?

A covert contract is a silent agreement where one person thinks:

• “If I do X, then they should do Y.”
• “If I meet their needs, they’ll meet mine.”
• “If I avoid conflict, they’ll appreciate me.”

The problem? The other person has no idea the contract exists. It’s like handing someone an invisible deal to sign—they never saw the paper, but we expect them to hold up their end.

Examples:

• “If I never ask for help, they should notice I’m overwhelmed and step in.”
• “If I give them affection, they should give me attention in return.”
• “If I stay quiet to keep the peace, they should be grateful.”

When the other person inevitably fails to deliver on a deal they never agreed to, disappointment, resentment, or even passive-aggressive behavior often follow.

The Impact of Covert Contracts

Covert contracts create cycles of frustration in relationships:

• Resentment builds: You feel unseen or unappreciated.
• Closeness erodes: Instead of real intimacy, the relationship runs on guesswork.
• Conflict escalates: The unmet expectations turn into arguments that seem to come “out of nowhere.”
• Self-worth takes a hit: You may start to believe your needs don’t matter, or that others don’t care about you.

In the long run, covert contracts undermine the trust and openness that healthy partnerships need.

Becoming Aware of Covert Contracts

Awareness is the first step to change. Signs you may be operating under a covert contract include:

• Feeling unappreciated despite giving a lot.
• Thinking “they should just know.”
• Avoiding direct requests because you fear rejection.
• Feeling angry when your sacrifices go unnoticed.

A good self-reflective question is: “Have I ever actually communicated this expectation out loud?”

How to Change Covert Contracts

1. Name Your Needs: Instead of hinting, ask directly. “I’d really appreciate your help with the kids tonight” lands better than waiting for your partner to notice you’re tired.
2. Challenge the “They Should Just Know” Myth: No one can read minds—not even someone who loves you deeply.
3. Shift from Transaction to Connection: Instead of “I’ll do X so I get Y,” ask yourself, “Do I want to do this freely, without strings?”
4. Practice Honest Dialogue: Share your feelings without blame. “I feel lonely when we don’t spend time together—can we plan a night this week?”
5. Take Responsibility: Recognize when you’ve entered a covert contract and own your part. This honesty can diffuse resentment.

Moving Toward Healthier Relationships

Letting go of covert contracts doesn’t mean giving up on your needs—it means bringing them into the light. Healthy love thrives on clarity, vulnerability, and choice. When we express ourselves openly, we give our partners the chance to truly know us and to respond freely.

Breaking covert contracts takes courage, but the reward is worth it: more authentic connection, less resentment, and relationships built on real agreements instead of invisible deals.

Thomas Lindquist, Psy.D.

Licensed Psychologist

Contact: t.lindquist.psyd@gmail.com