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People sometimes have the impression that the primary goal of therapy is to eliminate negative emotions or distress. Although there is often a focus on symptom reduction early in therapy, we generally have much broader goals. Likewise, people sometimes navigate daily life in an effort to minimize discomfort or distress. This is fairly reasonable as we are all motivated to avoid pain. Nevertheless, it can lead us down a path of avoidance and hypervigilance or into a pattern of negative thinking and despair if we are not paying attention.  

In contrast to avoiding or eliminating (not possible) negative emotion, we can focus on accumulating positive emotion. In fact, this can be a useful coping skill to learn for building resilience. In reality, unpleasant things, people, and emotions are inevitable and often out of our control. Yet, if we focus some attention and effort on ways of collecting positive emotional experiences, we are likely to be more resilient in the face of adversity.   

The primary challenge to accumulating positive emotion is the all-to-common focus on avoiding negative emotions. It is even possible to overlook and thereby neglect positive emotions when they do occur. Therefore, the first step to accumulating positive emotions is to notice when you are experiences them. Next, allow yourself time to experience and fully acknowledge your positive emotions. You might consider taking a pause, closing your eyes, or speaking softly to yourself using affirmative statements about your emotions. You might imagine taking the positive emotion and related experience and putting it into a backpack to carry with you throughout the day.  

It is all too common to rush past our positive emotions and experiences as we look to the next negative thing to avoid. In this sense, we are unable to accumulate much beyond a fleeting glimpse of positive emotion. A third helpful tip is to monitor your self-talk or automatic thoughts when you attempt to pause long enough to fully experience a positive emotion. Do you find yourself fighting against it or thinking of yourself as not deserving? Do you question the practice and think it is a waste of time or silly? Do you get stuck thinking about the next negative thing that will come your way? This is nice, but . . . ?

Finally, take time to check-in with yourself throughout the day and mentally take note of the positive experiences you have had as well as the positive emotions you have collected. Sometimes it can be something very small. A hug or smile from a loved one. A phone call or text message. Recalling a pleasant memory. Looking at the picture of a close friend. Exchanging a smile with a stranger. Enjoying a few minutes to sit quietly and drink a cup of coffee.

Pause long enough to recall your positive experiences and emotions as you near the end of your day. Imagine you are looking through your backpack and counting each one. Take a brief inventory and connect with a sense of appreciation for taking the time to practice accumulating positive emotions. Having connected more intentionally with your positive emotions you may find yourself more recharged and satisfied. We can’t rid our lives of negative experience or emotions, but we can certainty feel empowered to appreciate the positives ones.

Dr. Thomas Lindquist, Psy.D.

Clinical Psychologist

PA, NY Licensed Psychologist

PSYPACT Authority to Practice Interjurisdictional Telepsychology (APIT) Map of Participating States

Email to schedule an appointment: t.lindquist.psyd@gmail.com

Therapy Group of Charlotte

Lindquist Psychological

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Gaslighting involves intentionally changing or otherwise distorting reality to manipulate how others think or feel to get what we want. Individuals who engage in gaslighting attempt to make others doubt the truth of their own experiences. They often do everything they can to get their needs met. 

Gaslighting is a common narcissistic behavior, often seen amongst people with narcissistic personality traits such as a lack of empathy or understanding of others, self-centeredness, superiority, exaggerating one’s achievements, or impatience and being quick to anger when criticized. 

It can be very hard to deal with gaslighting as it often leaves one feeling doubtful and uncertain. Moreover, stepping outside of an intense relationship in order to observe the dynamics involved in gaslighting is challenging, not to mention how one might act to counter these dynamics. Reviewing some common types of gaslighting can be helpful for better understanding these dynamics and useful ways of responding.  

Types of Gaslighting

Several examples of gaslighting include withholding, countering or denial, trivializing or minimizing, distracting or diverting, and stereotyping.

Withholding

Withholding occurs when another person refuses to engage in conversation or listen to your concerns. Although this can involve concrete avoidance, it more commonly involves pretending not to understand what you are talking about. This is often seen in defensive reactions when confronted about gaslighting, which sometimes results in playing a victim. A partner may say, “That makes no sense at all.. You are confusing.. or I guess you have your version of what happened.”

Distracting or diverting 

Distracting or diverting is when another person denies your emotions or what you’re trying to say, causing you to doubt your thoughts and feelings. Gaslighting partners may use platitudes as a way to distract their partners from their feelings, causing the partners to feel as if they are overacting. For example, a partner might say, “I love you so much, and you know I’d never intentionally hurt your feelings.” 

Countering or Denial 

Countering occurring when another person denies your memory of events or acts as if a past event did not occur. They may question your entire memory or parts of a memory, asserting that their version is correct. In more extreme cases, they may even attack your memory abilities or intelligence. For example, a partner might say, “I never said that.. We never talked about it.. or You are thinking of something else.”  

Minimizing or Trivializing

Minimizing or trivializing is one of the most pervasive and impactful forms of gaslighting. It occurs when a person disregards and invalidates your feelings, causing you to think that your emotions aren’t valid in any way. They make use hurtful statements and harsh criticism to blame everything on you or suggest that your emotions don’t matter, and your concerns are not a big deal. When faced with minimizing or trivializing, it may feel as if you cannot share your feelings or you may start believing that everything is entirely your fault. A partner may say “You are overly sensitive, critical, or dramatic and get it together”

Stereotyping

Stereotyping occurring when another person judges you according to your identity, traits, or beliefs, such as gender, race, sexuality, or cultural background to invalidate your feelings and experiences. A classic example is when a partner says, “You tend to be more emotional because you’re a woman.”

Tips for Dealing with Gaslighting

Set boundaries by knowing exactly what you will tolerate and what you will not tolerate.  

Collect evidence to support your views when faced with countering and denial.

Confront the person gaslighting you with confidence despite your feelings of insecurity and doubt.

Trust your instincts and confront by focusing on how their behavior and actions are affecting you negatively. 

Be careful not to minimize your version of the truth if the other person begins to act as a victim or engage in further gaslighting by minimizing your concerns or your memory of events.  

Don’t try to comfort them when they play the victim, and don’t try to lessen your version of the truth for their sake. 

Seek space from the other person or take a break when faced with an argument so that you can reflect and analyze the reality of the situation and decide how you might like to proceed. This is particularly helpful as gaslighting can be emotionally and psychologically draining, making it more difficult to trust yourself and feel confident when the best path is to reinforce a boundary.

One of the hardest decisions to make is the decision to walk away from the relationship if you feel that there is little hope of your partner or friend changing their behavior. It is useful to seek professional support for yourself. Likewise, working with a marriage and family therapist can be useful when navigating these dynamics and asserting appropriate boundaries. A therapist can also help hold the relationship as a central focus and address concerns from an outside perspective, while drawing on their expertise with relationships. If you feel that you might be dealing with gaslighting, remember that you are not alone. This is a common dynamic in problematic friendships, romantic partnerships, and families. Psychotherapy can also be incredibly helpful in navigating these relationships and planning for the best path forward.

Dr. Thomas Lindquist, Psy.D.

Clinical Psychologist

PA, NY Licensed Psychologist

PSYPACT Authority to Practice Interjurisdictional Telepsychology (APIT) Map of Participating States

Email to schedule an appointment: t.lindquist.psyd@gmail.com

Therapy Group of Charlotte

Lindquist Psychological

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Uncertainty is a difficult thing for many of us. Nevertheless, there can be wisdom in uncertainty if we allow ourselves to accept that many things are out of our control. Likewise, if we are able to work toward greater acceptance of uncertainty, we might find greater possibilities as we take on new challenges.  

Beginner’s mind is a useful way to practice changing our relationship to uncertainty. It involves letting go of our expectations and preconceived ideas about something and looking at things with a fresh mind, just like a beginner. This can be a difficult practice. Nevertheless, if we can learn to tolerate and accept uncertainty, we can begin to see the wisdom in not knowing or having all of the answers.    

The following strategies are helpful for cultivating beginner’s mind:

Assume a stance of beginner when you enter a conversation. Rather than rushing to express your opinion or highlight your expertise, ask questions and express curiosity.

Change your typical routine or route to the office or store and take note of your new environment.  

Practice noticing your habits and be curious about why you do the things you do. Ask yourself, why do I do this every morning? How could I do this differently?

Attend to the automatic narrative in your head. Step back from judgements about what is right or wrong or what you should or should not being doing. Ask yourself, where do these ideas come from?

Try a new activity that you have not done before. Practice tolerating any anxiety that may arise from stepping outside of your comfort zone.

Spend time with people different from yourself and be curious about their experiences and perspectives.

Explore something that often goes unnoticed. For example, you might slow down and notice the full taste, texture, and color of an apple as you eat it.

Experiment with a new type of cooking or try a new food. 

Emulate the wonder of children. 

We can also extend the wisdom of uncertainty to our future expectations. We often become fixated on achieving a particular outcome or using a particular approach to solve a problem. This can hinder our creativity and cause increased stress as we work hard to stick to our plans. Try letting go of your attachments to particular outcomes or opinions about how things should be done and observe if this allows for more room in your thinking and less stress as you navigate challenges. 

Dr. Thomas Lindquist, Psy.D.

Clinical Psychologist

PA, NY Licensed Psychologist

PSYPACT Authority to Practice Interjurisdictional Telepsychology (APIT) Map of Participating States

Email to schedule an appointment: t.lindquist.psyd@gmail.com

Therapy Group of Charlotte

Lindquist Psychological

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Psychological resilience refers to an ability to withstand or more readily ‘bounce back’ from stress and grow from challenges. Other words used to describe psychological resilience include ‘mental toughness’ and ‘hardiness.’ The great news is that resilience can be developed and strengthened through deliberate practice. Below are four of the most effective strategies for promoting resilience. 

Acceptance of suffering

Understand and accept that suffering is part of every human life. Resilient people understand that life is inevitably painful. We never get everything we want, we get hurt, and we cannot be perfect. As a result, resilient people are much less likely to feel discriminated against or singled out. Rather than, “why me,” they think, “why not me.” This understanding allows for greater acceptance and creates space for a more authentic experience.   

Focus on what you can change

Resilient people are able to realistically appraise situations and focus on the things they can change, while letting go or setting aside things they cannot change. This is a realistic skill to learn and practice on a daily basis as we navigate challenges.  

Make a deliberate effort to tune into what is good in your world each day

As humans we are hardwired to notice threats and weaknesses. Moreover, negative emotions often stick to us like glue, while positive emotions seem to be fleeting. Although this has been evolutionarily adaptive, it can leave us with a permanently active stress response as we are bombarded by the constant demands of a fast-paced, quick-access culture and perfectionistic expectations.  

Resilient people are able to manage and cope with the negative, while still tuning into the good. They can connect with a sense of gratitude and appreciation even during challenges. This is also a realistic skill we can learn and practice as we work to direct our attention to the good and connect with a sense of gratitude. One simple practice supported by research involves recalling three good things that happened to you during the day or three things you are grateful for each day. 

Ask, “Is this helping or harming me?”

Resilient people are often good at evaluating what is helpful versus what is harmful. Practice asking yourself, “Is what I’m thinking and doing helpful or harmful to me.”  This question can be applied to a wide range of concerns including relationships, academic or career goals, health, loss, transitions, as well as overall mood and adjustment.  

Dr. Thomas Lindquist, Psy.D.

Clinical Psychologist

PA, NY Licensed Psychologist

PSYPACT Authority to Practice Interjurisdictional Telepsychology (APIT) Map of Participating States

Email to schedule an appointment: t.lindquist.psyd@gmail.com

Therapy Group of Charlotte

Lindquist Psychological

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“You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.“

-Jon Kabat-Zinn

Take a moment and recall the last time you felt a strong emotion. What do you remember? What did your body feel like? What thoughts came to mind? What did you feel like doing? What did you do? Pause and close your eyes for a few moments to reflect on these questions.   

It is common to try and get rid of our feelings, particularly when we experience strong emotions of sadness, anger or fear. However, trying to get rid of emotions can actually make them more distressing and difficult to manage. Befriending our emotions through mindfulness as well as skills aimed at fostering emotional intelligence (i.e., recognizing, labeling and expressing emotions) are both helpful practices for engaging more effectively in our emotional lives. 

Emotions are important. Foremost, emotions communicate important information to us and to others. For example, anger may tell us we have been mistreated or sadness may tell us we have lost something important or need support. Emotions also assist us in organizing our experiences and actions. Again, fear may organize us to confront a wrongdoer or sadness may allow us to withdraw from busy activities so that we can have space to grieve. Experiencing painful emotions can also help us empathize with others and sharing vulnerabilities fosters closer relationships. Emotions also provide color to our lives as we experience moments of joy or feel proud of our accomplishments. In either case, both “positive” and “negative” emotions are important. Understanding and engaging with our emotional life is ultimately a significant strength.

Mindfulness

Mindfulness is a helpful way for us to practice befriending our emotions. Just as we practice being mindful of our breath or the sights and sounds in our environment, we can also practice being mindful of our emotions. 

We can practice being more mindful of our emotions as we experience them or by taking note of our emotions and practicing being present and connecting with our emotional experiences at a later time. We can also practice monitoring when we become self-critical. In both cases, the increased awareness and self-compassion that accompanies mindfulness practice will be useful for better understanding what our emotions are telling us and responding to our emotions in ways that are more intentional.

Practicing mindfulness of emotions is often challenging as judgement or criticism is likely to arise or we might struggle to remain present with intense or upsetting emotions. It is helpful to remember that the most important part of this practice is simply turning toward and becoming more aware of your emotions.

Emotional Intelligence 

As we become more aware or mindful of our emotions, we can use the five RULER skills developed by Dr. Marc Brackett, Ph.D., to regularly check-in with our emotions throughout the day, label our emotions, and express how we are feeling:

Recognize: How am I feeling? Cues from our bodies (posture, energy level, breathing, and heart rate) can help us identify feelings. 

Understand: What happened that led me to feel this way? As feelings change throughout the day, think about the possible causes of these feelings. Identifying the things (people, thoughts, and events) that lead to uncomfortable feelings can help us both manage and anticipate them in order to prepare an effective response. 

Label: What word best describes how I am feeling? Although there are more than 2,000 emotion words in the English language, most of us use a very limited number of words to describe how we are feeling. The primary or basic emotions include sadness, happiness, fear, anger, surprise, disgust. However, there many words we can use to label our emotions. A brief internet search will provide more options and you might consider printing a list to practice labeling.

Express: How can I express appropriately what I am feeling for this time and place? There are many ways to express each of our feelings. For example, many descriptions for sad, such as lonely, heartbroken, disappointed, hopeless, unhappy, troubled, or miserable.  

Regulate: What can I do to maintain my feeling (if I want to continue feeling this way) or shift my feeling (if I do not want to continue feeling this way)? Having short-term strategies (taking deep breaths or stepping back to allow distance) to manage emotions in the moment as well as long-term strategies (reframing negative experiences or seeking social support) to manage emotions over time is an important part of emotion regulation. 

Emotions are not a sign of weakness. They are not here to hurt us, nor are they the cause of our hurt. It is our reactions to our emotions through self-criticism and blame, or our harmful behaviors toward ourselves or others, that causes pain and suffering. If we are able to befriend our emotions and welcome them with compassion into our lives, we might find ourselves situated at a place of greater insight and freedom as we greet each new friend with a receptive heart.  

Dr. Thomas Lindquist, Psy.D.

Clinical Psychologist

PA, NY Licensed Psychologist

PSYPACT Authority to Practice Interjurisdictional Telepsychology (APIT) Map of Participating States

Email to schedule an appointment: t.lindquist.psyd@gmail.com

Therapy Group of Charlotte

Lindquist Psychological

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“If we fall, we don’t need self-recrimination or blame or anger – we need a reawakening of our intention and a willingness to re-commit, to be whole-hearted once again.” – Sharon Salzberg

Self-doubt is a mental preoccupation involving indecision, uncertainty, and lack of confidence. It can cause us to hesitate and become stuck reviewing past mistakes and worrying about repeating past failures. It can cause us to question our emotions, doubt our abilities, and even lose sight of who we are and what we value. Ultimately, self-doubt can lead us away from our goals and prevent us from coming to trust in our deepest experience.    

In contrast, self-trust is the experience and knowledge that we can take care of our needs and survive setbacks. It means that we can trust our feelings and listen to ourselves as we navigate a world of contradictory opinions and pressures to succeed. Self-trust grows stronger as we connect with our inherent worth and develop the knowledge that we will be kind to ourselves no matter what setbacks we face.

One way to promote self-trust is to work on developing greater self-compassion as this allows for us to look more openly at our experience without fear of self-criticism. Noticing your inner critic and working to change this voice is a useful place to start. We can recognize the ways we speak to ourselves and notice any thoughts that involve criticism or judgement. As we become more aware of this critical voice, we can begin to reshape it into a voice of self-compassion.

A second step involves practice living in the present. If we are constantly shifting to past mistakes or regrets, we will never be fully present to allow for self-trust to grow stronger. Likewise, if we are fearful of future suffering due to mistakes, we will likely be distracted from the present as we cycle through dreaded outcomes or uncertainties. We must remain present to connect with our feelings and listen more deeply to ourselves just as we would be present and listen to a best friend.   

Reference points for developing self-trust

Be aware of your thoughts and feelings and express them to others.

Practice being understanding toward yourself when you make a mistake. 

Follow your personal standards and ethics. 

Keep the commitments you make to yourself.

Make decisions and behave in ways that align with your personal values. 

Be aware and acknowledge when you need to care for yourself. 

Trust that you can survive mistakes.

Surround yourself with people who support you rather than cause you to doubt yourself or question your abilities.  

Become increasingly clear on what you want and pursue your goals. 

Stand up for yourself and your views.

Take time to do things just for yourself.  

Trusting ourselves and our experiences does not mean that we will be certain, or that we will be right, or even that we will not fail. At its core, trusting ourselves involves knowing that we will not give up on ourselves and that we are worthy of love despite our imperfections or past failures. When we can begin to listen more deeply to ourselves and act as our own trusted friend, we can resume our journey on a path that is uniquely our own with renewed confidence in ourselves and our actions.  

Dr. Thomas Lindquist, Psy.D.

Licensed Psychologist, Clinical Psychologist

PSYPACT Authority to Practice Interjurisdictional Telepsychology (APIT) Map of Participating States

Email to schedule an appointment: t.lindquist.psyd@gmail.com

Therapy Group of Charlotte

Lindquist Psychological

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People sometimes have the impression that the primary goal of therapy is to eliminate negative emotions or distress. Although there is often a focus on symptom reduction early in therapy, we generally have much broader goals. Likewise, people sometimes navigate daily life in an effort to minimize discomfort or distress. This is fairly reasonable as we are all motivated to avoid pain. Nevertheless, it can lead us down a path of avoidance and hypervigilance or into a pattern of negative thinking and despair if we are not paying attention.  

In contrast to avoiding or eliminating (not possible) negative emotion, we can focus on accumulating positive emotion. In fact, this can be a useful coping skill to learn for building resilience. In reality, unpleasant things, people, and emotions are inevitable and often out of our control. Yet, if we focus some attention and effort on ways of collecting positive emotional experiences, we are likely to be more resilient in the face of adversity.   

The primary challenge to accumulating positive emotion is the all-to-common focus on avoiding negative emotions. It is even possible to overlook and thereby neglect positive emotions when they do occur. Therefore, the first step to accumulating positive emotions is to notice when you are experiences them. Next, allow yourself time to experience and fully acknowledge your positive emotions. You might consider taking a pause, closing your eyes, or speaking softly to yourself using affirmative statements about your emotions. You might imagine taking the positive emotion and related experience and putting it into a backpack to carry with you throughout the day.  

It is all too common to rush past our positive emotions and experiences as we look to the next negative thing to avoid. In this sense, we are unable to accumulate much beyond a fleeting glimpse of positive emotion. A third helpful tip is to monitor your self-talk or automatic thoughts when you attempt to pause long enough to fully experience a positive emotion. Do you find yourself fighting against it or thinking of yourself as not deserving? Do you question the practice and think it is a waste of time or silly? Do you get stuck thinking about the next negative thing that will come your way? This is nice, but . . . ?

Finally, take time to check-in with yourself throughout the day and mentally take note of the positive experiences you have had as well as the positive emotions you have collected. Sometimes it can be something very small. A hug or smile from a loved one. A phone call or text message. Recalling a pleasant memory. Looking at the picture of a close friend. Exchanging a smile with a stranger. Enjoying a few minutes to sit quietly and drink a cup of coffee.

Pause long enough to recall your positive experiences and emotions as you near the end of your day. Imagine you are looking through your backpack and counting each one. Take a brief inventory and connect with a sense of appreciation for taking the time to practice accumulating positive emotions. Having connected more intentionally with your positive emotions you may find yourself more recharged and satisfied. We can’t rid our lives of negative experience or emotions, but we can certainty feel empowered to appreciate the positives ones.

Dr. Thomas Lindquist, Psy.D.

Licensed Psychologist, Clinical Psychologist

PSYPACT Authority to Practice Interjurisdictional Telepsychology (APIT) Map of Participating States

Email to schedule an appointment: t.lindquist.psyd@gmail.com

Therapy Group of Charlotte

Lindquist Psychological

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“Everything hangs on intention.”

-Nyshul Khen Rinpoche

How often are you aware of the way you are living? Have you ever had a moment when you felt clued into the fact that the way you have been living, possibly in a struggle or on autopilot, chasing one pleasure after the next or resisting any discomfort or displeasure, hasn’t been working very well? I certainly have had many such moments.  

Perhaps in such a moment we can begin to see how our mind has more to do with our suffering than we had realized. Such a moment of insight can be guidepost on a path of wise effort, where we can work to live into our values and connect with our deeper sensibilities.   

Wise effort is the sixth step on the Buddha’s Noble Eightfold Path and falls under the category of concentration. It develops from a place of wise understanding and knowing on a deeper level. It often aligns with our deepest beliefs and values.

The instructions for wise effort call for us to continually evaluate our thoughts and actions and choose those that lead to less suffering and away from those that lead to more suffering. This can be determined by checking if our actions are being fueled by wholesome or unwholesome intentions or if our thoughts are being distorted through negative patterns of thinking or harmful beliefs. It calls for us to become aware of our general mental states and adjust the lens through which we view the world in a manner that aligns with wise effort. 

The moment we think we create a world around us. Through wise effort we can act to engage in the creation of a world that promotes positive mind states and compassionate actions. When we work to apply this wisdom to the lens of our experience and develop the intention to live according to this wise effort, we can begin to change our world one moment at a time.  

Dr. Thomas Lindquist, Psy.D.

Licensed Psychologist, Clinical Psychologist

PSYPACT Authority to Practice Interjurisdictional Telepsychology (APIT) Map of Participating States

Email to schedule an appointment: t.lindquist.psyd@gmail.com

Therapy Group of Charlotte

Lindquist Psychological

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The quest for certainty is hardwired. We are naturally uncomfortable when we don’t know what’s next or when we cannot apply our previous experience in ways that help us feel we can predict the future. We work very hard to know and often trick ourselves into a false certainty to resolve our discomfort as we look for data to confirm our thinking. Research also suggests that we tend to gravitate towards thinking that is effortless, rather than difficult and slow, further increasing the likelihood of overlooking details and jumping to conclusions.  

Pause for a moment to think of an example of uncertainty in your life. What outcomes do you imagine? What past experiences are impacting your imagined future?  

When we pause and admit that we cannot outsmart uncertainty, we might find a new sense of stillness. Learning to tolerate uncertainty is an important part of self-regulation and slowing down to admit we do not know can actually feel liberating. Moreover, admitting to uncertainty can reduce confirmation bias, while promoting stronger partnerships in relationships at home or at work as it promotes inclusivity and teamwork. We can model our approach to uncertainty for others and send a message of acceptance and trust when navigating new projects or challenges.  

Admitting that we do not know is a significant strength that is typically viewed by Western culture as a weakness. The pressure to know everything and the link between self-esteem or demonstrating our perceived competence and intelligence can be damaging as we strive to live up to impossible expectations. In contrast, practicing humility and admitting to what we don’t know leads to a more accurate assessment of our abilities and options, thereby increasing our effectiveness and willingness to consider a broad range of possibilities.  

We can practice not-knowing, or humility, by slowing down and taking steps to become more aware of the pressures to know. We can likewise practice being vulnerable in the face of uncertainty and integrate skills to help us better tolerate uncertainty. It takes some practice, but it is possible to find a place of stillness as well as curiosity and excitement as we become more comfortable with the unknown and more trusting of ourselves to navigate uncharted territory. 

Dr. Thomas Lindquist, Psy.D.

Licensed Psychologist, Clinical Psychologist

PSYPACT Authority to Practice Interjurisdictional Telepsychology (APIT) Map of Participating States

Email to schedule an appointment: t.lindquist.psyd@gmail.com

Therapy Group of Charlotte

Lindquist Psychological

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“Enlightenment is absolute cooperation with the inevitable.”

-Anthony de Mello, S.J. 

Equanimity can be defined as mental and emotional calmness, non-reactivity, or an even-tempered state of mind in the face challenges. The Buddha described a mind filled with equanimity as “abundant, exalted, immeasurable, without hostility and without ill-will.” Translated from Pali, “equanimity” means “to look over” and refers to the ability to see without being caught up in what we are observing. Another translation becomes, “to stand in the middle of all this.” It is a cessation of fighting that which cannot be fought.  

The powerful peace and steadiness of equanimity arises from our effort to see life as it is or accept life on life’s terms as containing both joy and sorry, pleasure and pain, or success and failure, while not becoming overidentified with any single experience. In contrast to passivity, the awareness and letting go process inherent in cultivating equanimity involves an active stance as we gently work to rise above the suffering fueled from our own struggle to control life or cling to expectations. 

Trying to change what we cannot change often only makes things worse. As we loosen our grip, slow down our reactivity, and relinquish the struggle, we may discover greater freedom and possibilities. No fighting with the past, no resistance to the future, it is just like this right now. 

The moment I accepted my illness and pain it was transformed. I was no longer suffering in the same way as the pain became a source of inquiry and understanding for this moment on my human journey. I felt steady and calm as I shifted to observing my mind and my emotional states. I looked fondly upon my family and connected with the joy of watching my children play. I felt the cool autumn breeze on my face and listened to the birds on the hillside behind our house.  

I am thankful to be healthier as I write today. However, I also remain grateful for the truth and understanding that this experience provided, leaving a greater spaciousness in my heart and a deeper understanding for the importance of cultivating an awakened mind. As a wise teacher recently reminded us, “things are as they should be and are only as they are. It cannot be any other way because it is this way.”

Dr. Thomas Lindquist, Psy.D.

Licensed Psychologist, Clinical Psychologist

PSYPACT Authority to Practice Interjurisdictional Telepsychology (APIT) Map of Participating States

Email to schedule an appointment: t.lindquist.psyd@gmail.com

Therapy Group of Charlotte

Lindquist Psychological

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