Compassionate Curiosity

“In addition to a sense of humor, a basic support for a joyful mind is curiosity.”

-Pema Chödrön

Compassionate curiosity is an approach for developing self-observation skills and expanded self-awareness described by Gabor Maté, a Hungarian-Canadian Physician and expert in addiction, stress and child development. The practice involves a gentle and compassionate investigation into our emotions, thoughts and behaviors. The purpose is not to rationalize or justify our behaviors in order to protect our self-esteem, but rather to open ourselves up to seeing things as they are and develop the mind’s capacity to act as its own impartial observer.  

Here are a few questions to practice compassionate curiosity:

When you struggle to accomplish a goal, practice asking: Why do I experience this as a struggle? Have I felt this way before? Why is this so important to me?

When you feel angry, practice asking: Where does my anger come from? Does my emotion have a message? Do I feel an urge to resist or change my feelings? What about this situation is causing so much anger? Is this a pattern? What else do I feel? What am I not feeling?

When you doubt yourself, practice asking: Why do I feel so doubtful? Where does this all come from? Have I been here before? What messages do I hear in my head and where do those come from?

When you are anxious, practice asking: How am I interpreting my anxiety? Does my response seem reasonable given the current circumstances? Is there anything that I can do right now, or should I focus my attention elsewhere? What did I learn about coping with distress?

When you engage in an unhealthy or harmful behavior or habit, practice asking: How did I get here again? Why did I engage in this behavior? What purpose does this serve or what need am I trying to meet? What are some other ways I can meet my needs and take better care of myself? Do I want to change my behavior? 

Compassionate curiosity allows for us to explore our reactions, feelings, and behaviors with the goal of better understanding ourselves so that we can feel more empowered to select from a broader variety of choices, cope more effectively, and live more intentionally.  

Dr. Thomas Lindquist, Psy.D.

Licensed Psychologist

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Fire in the Guest House

When is the last time you recall feeling distressed or anxious? When did you become aware of your anxiety? Most of us struggle with some worries as we navigate daily challenges and anticipate obstacles. However, when we find ourselves worrying about worrying as well as the potential negative impact of worrying, it can start to become disruptive to our lives.  

Particularly with anxiety, it is helpful to understand the fight-or-flight response, also known as the acute stress response, as we consider how our reactions to distress can lead to further distress. You may have heard descriptions of this response before as well as the important role it played in helping early humans remain alert to dangerous predators. 

When we experience acute stress or perceived danger, the sympathetic nervous system sends a message to the adrenal glands, which results in the release of stress hormones. This release causes immediate physical reactions, such as increased heart rate and blood pressure, in preparation to fight or flee from a threat. Meanwhile, our brain endlessly searches for an explanation or solution. If our brain perceives or misperceives smoke, it sounds the fire alarm and elevates our response. Throughout this process, it is not uncommon to interpret our physical sensations and anxious or distorted thoughts as further evidence of danger, causing our brain to continue receiving a false alarm signal. A cycle can develop wherein our reactions to our reactions become self-perpetuating as we continue to perceive danger and register false alarms. 

Stop worrying about it! Just kidding. In fact, there is plenty of evidence that trying to suppress a painful emotion or distressing thought actually causes it to last longer and perpetuates distress. The more we fight or attempt to control, the more we feed our anxiety. Although we cannot stop a natural emotional response by sheer will, there is a lot we can do to modify our reactions.

Engaging the parasympathetic nervous system is often an effective way of calming ourselves and slowing down the acute stress response by telling our brain that the smoke is not a fire.  

Calming your nervous system

Deep breathing – Breathing techniques can be one of the most practical and easily accessible ways of reducing stress in the moment as they can be used at almost any point throughout the day. Practice taking a slow deep breath from your abdomen and silently count up to five. Next, hold your breath for a moment and again count silently count up to five. Finally, exhale slowly as you silently count up to five one more time. 

Five senses grounding – Use your five senses to ground yourself in the present. Notice five things you can see, four things you can feel, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can touch.  

Mental grounding – Describe your environment to yourself in detail. Describe the objects, colors, shapes, temperatures, smells, etc. Count to ten using the alphabet rather than numbers or count down from 100 by sevens. Create a top ten gratitude list or imagine embracing a loved one.   

Physical grounding – Focus on the feeling of your feet on the floor and your body in your chair. Take a moment and lay down on the floor to connect with a sense of grounding and stability. Carry around a grounding object such as a small rock or other item of personal significance. Get up and stretch while focusing on your muscles and releasing any tension. Clench and release your fists or various other muscles groups. Focus on your breath and repeat a soothing word or phrase with each exhale.    

Cultivating a mindful & accepting stance

Cultivating a mindful and accepting stance towards anxiety or emotional distress is often the most difficult part of changing your relationship to anxiety. However, it can also be quite profound. It begins by stepping back or letting go of attempts to control or fight, which is not to be confused with giving up or feeling helpless. Rather, the goal is to practice a different way of reacting that involves curiosity and compassion, while working to reduce judgement and self-criticism. When viewed through a lens of radical acceptance, this relationship can be seen as an invitation. The following poem illustrates this shift in the way we can relate to our anxiety, low moods, or other emotions.

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

Some momentary awareness comes

as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,

who violently sweep your house

empty of its furniture,

still treat each guest honorably.

He may be cleaning you out

for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.

Meet them at the door laughing,

And invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,

because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond.


How might you come to treat your emotions, including anxiety, as guests? When you notice anxiety or worry, take note of your reactions. Practice monitoring your reactions to your reactions. Are you judgmental or self-critical? Do you try to control your reactions? Do you shut down or avoid the situation that prompted your anxiety? 

Ask yourself, “Is there anything I can reasonably do now to change the situation, or should I focus on adjusting my reaction and coping more effectively?” How can I relate differently? Can I react from a place of acceptance? Can I react without judgement or criticism?  

Notice and continue practicing kindness and compassion toward yourself and your experiences. Emotions, including anxiety, are part of being human and not a sign of weakness.   

Dr. Thomas Lindquist, Psy.D.

Licensed Psychologist

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Receptive Awareness

Attention is of central importance for navigating a chaotic world. It is also of central importance for practicing meditation and mindfulness. In meditation, paying attention to the breath is often taught as a starting point as beginners are encouraged to bring their attention back to the breath each time their mind wanders. Over and over again, attention is directed back to a focal point in what is termed concentrated awareness

In addition to meditation, mindfulness has been defined as purposely bringing one’s attention to the present moment or as a mental state achieved by focusing one’s awareness on the present moment. Although acceptance and nonjudgement are also important aspects of mindfulness, the role of concentrated awareness is often primary.  

Directing of our attention through concentrated awareness is clearly important for meditation and mindfulness. It is also essential for a self-regulation more generally. However, there is another type of attention or awareness that often gets overlooked.  

Receptive attention or receptive awareness, in contrast, is much less about directing our attention and more about opening space and welcoming experience. It is about following the flow of our experience and simply remaining aware of what is happening. Rather than constantly telling ourselves to concentrate on the present moment, or direct our attention to the present, we are encouraged to develop a state of receptivity to the present moment.

Resting in receptive awareness is also an antidote to the challenges of our inner critic and our negative thoughts patterns or cognitive distortions. When we practice receptive awareness, there is less space for judgement and more space for acceptance. The attachment or identification we often experience with our thoughts and feelings becomes less pronounced and we can begin to connect with a sense of existence outside of these identifications; a resting consciousness where we can experience of ourselves simply as a human being.  

Ultimately, both concentrative awareness and receptive awareness are important for meditation and mindfulness. It is often helpful to begin with concentrative awareness and allow yourself to shift into a state of receptive awareness once you experience a sense of being grounded in the present moment.  

Begin with concentrative awareness by directing your attention to the present moment:

Focus on the surrounding sights and sounds in your environment.

Focus on the sense of being grounded in your chair with your feet on the floor.

Focus on your breath as you breathe naturally. 

Cultivate receptive awareness by letting go of a central focal point and opening yourself to whatever arises.

Imagine sitting in a small house. Your awareness is the air and space all around you. The air shifts and changes as a breeze blows through an open door or window, circulates around you, and continues back out another window. You rest grounded in the stillness, with no need to take any action, while remaining open to the next breeze.  You are aware and receptive to whatever comes next.  

As you can see, both types of awareness have an important role. However, concentrative awareness often gets all of the attention. Yet, receptive awareness is an important step for expanding your meditation or mindfulness practice and loosening your attachment to passing thoughts, feelings, and expectations.  

Dr. Thomas Lindquist, Psy.D.

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

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Counterfactuals & The ‘what if, would have, could have’ gang

Counterfactual thinking is a concept that refers to our tendency to imagine various alternatives to life events that have already occurred. Typically, this involves a scenario that is different from what actually occurred and consists of thoughts such as, “What if” or “If only I had done … then I could have prevented this.”  

In this way, counterfactual thinking focuses on how the past might have been different, or how the present could be different, if only this occurred, or if only we had done something differently.  

When added to its cousin, rumination, which involves continuously thinking about the same thought or worry, a very unhelpful pattern can emerge. Before we know it, we can easily find ourselves ruminating about how things could have been different if only we had acted differently. In psychology, this type of counterfactual thinking is referred to as self-referent upward counterfactual thinking.

Self-referent upward counterfactual thinking (“If only I had…”) can contribute to a number of difficulties. As you can imagine, this pattern can easily take a toll on our self-esteem and lead to self-blame and guilt. It can also contribute to symptoms of depression and anxiety.  

A 2020 study of counterfactual thoughts in the journal Behavior Therapy found that self-referential upward counterfactuals were associated with prolonger grief and depression symptoms following a loss. In contrast, engaging in a slightly different form of counterfactual thinking, nonreferent downward counterfactual thinking (“It could have been worse…”) was actually helpful in promoting a healthy bereavement process. Related research on posttraumatic stress further supports the adaptive role of this type of counterfactual thinking and suggests a positive relationship between nonreferent downward counterfactual thinking and healthy posttraumatic growth.

Nonreferent downward counterfactual thinking involves thoughts such as, “If … had happened, the current situation could have been much worse.” Here we see a shift away from an orientation to oneself as well as a change in the way the situation is appraised. There is a focus on how things turned out better than they could have been and there is room to focus on the future. This type of counterfactual thinking (“It could have been worse…”) can actually be adaptive as we focus on positive aspects of an outcome and avoid self-blame.  

Strategies to address counterfactual thinking

Labeling – The first and most helpful thing you can practice is labeling. Notice what you are thinking and label it. Are you imagining scenarios about how you could have done something differently? Label this as a self-referent counterfactual (“If only I had…”) and acknowledge it as unhelpful. Alternatively, you can simply state, “I’m doing it again,” which is a personal favorite.  

Participant Observation  – Pause and question your thoughts with curious attention. Ask how did I come to this conclusion? How can I be so sure? Is there any possibility that there is another explanation? What or who else might have contributed to this outcome? In a week or a month from now, is it possible that I will see things differently? What is most important right now?

Awareness – Increased awareness is both a precursor and outcome of labeling our thoughts. As you expand on your awareness you will likely experience a greater sense of agency or control over your thoughts. You may also have more room to consider alternatives. Likewise, you are more likely to see thoughts as mental events, rather than as facts.  

Mindfulness meditation with notation – Awareness of your thoughts and feelings is generally regarded as adaptive. We can practice extending our awareness through a nonjudgmental and curious mindset, while using notation to label our thoughts and feelings. Take a few moments to sit quietly and observe what thoughts come to mind. Note each thought as a thought and each feeling as a feeling. Allow yourself to check-in with the thought or feeling. After you have noted it, let it pass knowing you have given it adequate space and attention. You can note counterfactual thoughts using the same process. 

We all have a tendency for counterfactual thinking and rumination. If we can practice labeling and becoming aware of our thought patterns and our feelings it is possible to gain some control over our automatic thoughts. We can then shift our thinking in a more productive direction.     

Broadly speaking, counterfactual thinking is not inherently unhealthy as it has inherent adaptive functions, such as regulating affect, preparing for the future, changing behavior, implementing goals and experiencing self-efficacy. However, problems can arise when we engage in a specific type of thinking (self-referent upward counterfactual thinking) and ruminate on what we “could have or should have done” in the past.  

With this in mind, we can practice labeling and relating to our thoughts differently when we find ourselves coming out of a difficult situation, recent mistake, or a loss. Shifting towards nonreferent downward counterfactual thinking, “it could have been worse,” and introducing self-compassion, “I did the best I knew how to do at the time,” are healthy ways of promoting your resilience and well-being.  

Dr. Thomas Lindquist, Psy.D.

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

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Gremlins, Speeding Trains, & Thunderstorms

It is easy to become overwhelmed by our thoughts. People often describe getting stuck, spiraling, fighting, pushing, or otherwise becoming involved in what often becomes an unsuccessful attempt to control or get relief from distressing thoughts. All of us are prone to negative thought patterns or cognitive distortions, which often operate outside of our awareness and work to limit our psychological flexibility. Eventually, limited flexibility in our thinking can contribute to overly rigid or narrow beliefs about ourselves, others, and the world around us.  

There are a number of techniques that are helpful in shifting our relationship to our thoughts and promoting greater psychological flexibility. Cognitive diffusion techniques are one great way to help us change how we interact and relate to our thoughts.  

Cognitive diffusion refers to techniques used in various cognitive therapies and elaborated on in acceptance and commitment therapy. One goal of these techniques is to help improve our ability to cope with distressing thoughts and feelings by allowing us to take a step back from our largely automatic thought patterns and experience our thoughts from a different perspective. These techniques also give us a concrete way to practice and develop skills to reduce the distress that typically accompanies persistent worry.    

Cognitive diffusion techniques work by allowing us to change the way we interact with our thoughts by creating an alternative context that diminishes the believability and impact of distressing thoughts or worries. Below are several examples you can try today.

Cognitive diffusion techniques

Label a thought as a thought, rather than a fact.

Label a thought as a mental event, rather than reality or truth. 

Label a thought as a cognitive distortion (all-or-nothing thinking, overgeneralization, jumping to conclusions, anticipating disaster, catastrophizing) or as a “helpful or unhelpful” thought.

Say a thought out loud until it becomes a repetitive sound with little meaning.

Sing your thoughts or say your thoughts in an odd voice (perhaps not in public).

Write your thoughts on paper and repeatedly rewrite your worries until they become less powerful.

Using your imagination

Imagine your thoughts as passengers on a bus or an airplane. In this exercise, pretend you are the driver or pilot and your thoughts are noisy and disruptive passengers. They may be an annoying distraction, but you must keep your attention on the road or the runway ahead.    

Imagine your thoughts as a train passing you by as you stand on the train platform. Begin by noticing the thought train coming in the distance and the wind rushing past while you remain steady on the platform. The train passes and you remain grounded and still.  

Imagine your thoughts as clouds or as a passing thunderstorm. We cannot control our thoughts and feelings as they come and go, much like the weather. Watch your thoughts transform into clouds and pass into the distance. The blue sky always remains behind the storm.

Imagine certain thoughts as images of animals or imagined characters (monsters/ gremlins)

Example: Thoughts about making mistakes at work could be imagined as a work   sabotaging gremlin with bright green fur, squinty eyes, and a sinister smile. Imagine your gremlin laughing as it happily collects your thoughts into a sack. Tell the gremlin     to take a hike.   

Cognitive diffusion usually alters the believability of negative thoughts and the resulting discomfort or distress associated with negative thoughts (see Hayes, Strosahl, & Wilson, 1999). As you might have observed, there is also a component of exposure as you are able to engage and remain present with your worrisome thoughts or fears as the level of intensity dissipates.   

Although some of these techniques might seem silly at first, they can be quite helpful in allowing us to change our relationship to our thoughts. As you practice one or more of these techniques on a regular basis you may experience greater freedom and acceptance around your worries and fears. Tell the Gremlin to take a hike as you wait patiently for the speeding train to pass during the thunderstorm.   

Dr. Thomas Lindquist, Psy.D.

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

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Advice from Your Future Self

Try the following experiment. Imagine yourself five-to-ten years into the future. Close your eyes and picture what you look like. Try as much as possible to connect with this future version of yourself. Reflect on the wisdom and life experiences you might have gained. What memories would you hold close to your heart? How is your life different now? After you have taken a few minutes to imagine yourself in the future, open your eyes and look across the room to an empty chair or sofa.  

Bring to mind an image of your current self, sitting alone, deep in thought. What would your current self be thinking? What are your current worries and concerns? What are your current hopes and dreams? How does your current self feel? Is the image of your current self smiling or tearful?  

Now give your future self the power to communicate to your current self. What would you say? Would you offer reassurance or advice? What messages would you want to share with your current self?  

When I engage in this experiment several messages come to my mind:

Slow down. Be mindful. Listen more. Let go and worry less. Look at the bigger picture. Remember this moment. You have already arrived. Get outside and run fast. Say I love you more often. Feel loved more often. Allow yourself to make mistakes. Forgive. Play with your children. You’re doing a great job. Breath. Take it all in – the good and the bad. You only live once.  

Take a moment to complete this exercise for yourself. What messages do you have for your current self? Write down a few messages and reflect on these throughout the coming days.  

As you reflect you may begin to notice your sense of connection to the present becoming stronger. You may become more aware of impermanence and change. You may notice a deeper sense of appreciation for what you currently have in your life and the people you care about. You might notice a shift in your mindset as you connect more deeply with your values and what truly matters to you. 

You can return to this exercise again and again. You can also use this exercise as an opportunity to express self-compassion and give encouraging words to yourself. Give yourself advice from your future self and allow current self to more fully appreciate and connect with the present. 

Dr. Thomas Lindquist, Psy.D.

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

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“Looking for peace is like looking for a turtle with a moustache: You won’t be able to find it. But when your heart is ready, peace will come looking for you.” – Ajahn Chah

Restlessness seems to have peaked in our current times as we are faced with continued restrictions and loss due to the ongoing pandemic. Nevertheless, feeling restless in not uncommon and has contributed to distress even before this restrictive time began. For example, restlessness is commonly reported as a symptom of anxiety and can involve difficulty sitting still or relaxing. It is also evident in certain personality types and cognitive styles. Likewise, it can be understood as a defense mechanism as we unconsciously work to avoid pain or discomfort by staying active or distracting ourselves. Lastly, our society tends to encourage an approach to life that can lead to constant striving and an outward focus on success and achievement.

When I entered graduate school, I was determined to be the best student. I worked hard to stand out and demonstrate my knowledge and understanding of the material. Overall, I was fairy success in my goals. I readily obtained an offer to work as a teaching assistant for a professor I greatly admired as well as a part-time clinical position in the private practice of a senior faculty member. I also became actively involved with an internationally recognized Adlerian psychologist, which led to conference presentations and two publications. My ego grew larger as I began to view myself as more advanced or skilled in comparison to my peers. I was successfully striving and accomplishing all of my goals.  

It wasn’t long before I was faced with the challenges of a competitive doctoral internship, relocating to a new city on the east coast, and the birth of my daughter. However, the biggest challenge was the challenge to my striving ego and defenses, which arrived when I witnessed my graduate intern colleagues obtain prestigious post-doctoral fellowships at places like Harvard and Emory University. In contrast, my plan was to take a year off and care for my daughter, while my partner completed her doctoral internship in yet another new city. After I completed my training and defended my dissertation, my life changed fairly dramatically. I now had long days with an eight-month-old little girl. Although I loved my new role and will always cherish this time with my daughter, I also struggled immensely to settle my restless mind and striving ego. It was during this year that I began to wake up to the ways in which I was driven by my needs for validation as well as the difficulty I had with stillness and uncertainty. I had been swept up and intoxicated by my external success, while also avoiding my anxiety and discomfort. I felt very uneasy when the long journey of graduate school was complete. I found myself in a new world without my armor. 

I began to realize how long I had been carried along by the flow of habitual and unconscious states of mind, striving to avoid discomfort through distractions and experience happiness and satisfaction through my accomplishments. I slowly and somewhat reluctantly began to admit to myself that my next goal involved letting go, waking up, and teaching my heart to stay present; to abide at ease with how things unfolded around me and remain present with the full range of my internal experience.       

Perhaps you have experienced a similar period that challenged your habitual ways of navigating life or managing uncertainty? Perhaps you have found yourself facing an unexpected challenge without your armor? Most certainty you have experienced times of restlessness.  

Restlessness often leads to fatigue and can manifest as feeling tense or agitated. It can also impact sleep and make it difficult to function well at work or in school. Restlessness can lead to alcohol abuse, overeating, excessive exercise or any number of unhealthy attempts to cope. At high levels, restlessness indicates an overactive fight or flight response as your body reacts to stress, anxiety, or past trauma. Depending on your experience and acuity, it might be most helpful to get professional support. For more moderate levels of restlessness, the following strategies and perspectives can be helpful.

Acknowledge and accept your fears – Fear and uncertainty are a part of life. When we acknowledge and work to accept this reality it can become less overwhelming. Seeing it for what it is allows us to also see that it is temporary. Rather than focusing on how you want things to be different, attempt to make peace with reality.  

Practice compassion – Practice connecting with a sense of compassion for others. This can be done through conversations or acts of kindness. When we are practicing compassion and caring for others there is much less focus on ourselves and our worries. 

Connect with others – Western society often promotes individualism. Yet, our survival depends on one another and our natural state exists as a collective. Practice taking a step back and reflecting on the interconnection you have with those around you and beyond.   

Meditation – Practicing meditation can take a little as five minutes. Simply begin by sitting comfortably and focusing your attention on the natural rhythm and flow of your breath. The practice of meditation involves bringing your attention back to your breathing, again and again, as your mind naturally wonders off. It is also the practice of non-judgmental awareness as our mind will inevitably wonder and critical thoughts will likely arise as we work to maintain our attention in the present.    

Mindfulness – One practical way of practicing mindfulness is to incorporate mindful moments throughout your day, such as pausing for a minute each time you sit down at your computer. This practice is especially helpful if you benefit from a structured approach. You can also pause at any point and practice bringing your attention to the present by noticing the sights and sounds in your environment. Likewise, you can practice mindfulness simply by bringing your attention to your breathing.  Practice remaining present and with whatever arrises throughout your day.

Each of us has unique qualities and accumulated tendencies that impact our perception and experience of thoughts, feelings, and the external world. When we feel restless and uncomfortable, we are often tempted to move on to something else to feel better or focus on our next goal. If we don’t like what is happening, we reach for the remote control or leave the room. When we are restless, we eat, drink and attempt to be merry. Yet, when we are able remain present with our restlessness and pay attention to it, we might begin to see how our thoughts and feelings are temporary. When we remain present, we also open ourselves up to the messages brought to us by our emotions and our deeper sensibilities. In this way our restlessness can be viewed as an opportunity to practice acceptance and patience, so that we can be steady, rather than swept up in our shifting moods and states of mind.  

Dr. Thomas Lindquist, Psy.D.

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

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Existentialism & Daily Living

Existentialism suggests that we have both the freedom and responsibility to make our own choices by looking within ourselves. Accordingly, we are tasked with finding meaning, determining our values, and making decisions that shape our lives. Existential psychotherapy builds on these views by approaching therapy with an emphasis on self-determination and our individual search for meaning. It also understands anxiety as part of the human condition as we struggle with common concerns around the nature of our existence and the purpose of our lives.  

It is possible to incorporate existentialism into your daily life by living with greater self-awareness and making choices that align with your values.  

Tips for existentialism in daily life:

Reaffirming your values – Take time to think about your values. You might write these down or start a list that you can update as you consider what is most important to you.  

Meaning and purpose – Pause and reflect on your purpose and meaning at work or at home. Remind yourself of the bigger picture.    

Practice radical acceptance – Accept things the way they are without resistance. Instead of fighting reality, practice accepting reality by letting go.

Practice shifting to gratitude – When you feel stressed or overwhelmed, practice focusing on what you are grateful for in your life. Connect with a sense of gratitude for basic things such as food, shelter, and health as well as a sense of gratitude for your friends and loved ones. 

Practice reframing challenges as opportunities to live into your values – Reframing challenges as opportunities to practice values such as kindness or integrity can build resilience, while also creating more space for meaning and authenticity as you navigate daily life.  

Talk openly about your deeper questions with friends and loved ones – It is probably not typical to ask questions about life and death or the purpose of life, but it might surprise you to learn how often others think about these “big questions.”  Sharing these concerns can lead to deeper understanding and connection within your relationships.   

Start a journal around themes of meaning, values, and gratitude – Journaling is almost always helpful for increasing self-awareness and providing space to reflect. Consider taking time to write down your thoughts or simply practice writing down things you are grateful to have in your life.  

Meditate on impermanence – It is easy to get lost in the challenges and tasks of daily life. Taking time to realize that everything around you is always changing and our lives are limited can allow for us to more fully connect with the present and more fully appreciate life. Each moment is fleeting and each moment you have with a loved one is irreplaceable.  

Connect with new people each day and recognize the common humanity you share – We often make observations, assumptions, and judgement about others. Try shifting your attention to the common humanity you share with all people. When you encounter a person in public, remind yourself that they may also struggle with similar questions or have similar concerns. They may even be in great pain and emotional turmoil. In either case, the “big questions” apply to us all and suffering is an unavoidable part of life.  

Practice mindfulness – Practice everyday mindfulness by connecting with the present moment throughout the day. Allow yourself to step outside of “human-doing” mode and into “human-being” mode. Review my past blog for more ways of practicing everyday mindfulness.  

Through existential therapy and existentialism in daily living, we can become more attuned to our inner lives and live with greater intention. As we become more conscious of our values, we can choose to do things that provide us with a greater sense of purpose and allow for us to live our lives more authentically.  

Dr. Thomas Lindquist, Psy.D.

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

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Loving Relationships

Research supports a range of benefits associated with supportive and loving relationships. Most notably, people involved in both healthy romantic and non-romantic relationships typically live longer. They also have lower risk of heart attack, improved immune functioning, and reduced feelings of isolation and depression. Furthermore, healthy loving relationships can provide a source of support and reliability, which can lead to reduced stress and a stronger sense of reassurance, knowing you have a close partner or friend to help you work through challenges.  

Maintaining a healthy loving relationship takes effort and intention. Consider the following suggestions for strengthening your relationship:

Spend time looking and listening to one another with your full attention. Maintain eye contact and act as if you had just met.  

Make an effort to express how you feel and make sure to communicate this to your partner on a regular basis. In addition to negative feelings, you can also share when you feel happy, excited or proud.

Discuss ways you can spend more quality time together away from distractions.  Find a reasonable goal and commit to it.

Tell your partner or friend what you need and what is important to you. Although we can benefit from taking note of nonverbal cues, open communication makes our needs more clearly known.   

Slow down and think more intentionally about the challenges your partner or friend manages on a day-to-day basis and the ways they contribute to your life.

Share a compliment.

Share affectionate contact and keep physical intimacy alive. Touch is a foundational part of human existence and holding hands, hugging or kissing are important ways of connecting and showing your affection.  

It is easy to take a comfortable loving relationship for granted. Take time to appreciate being loved and cared about.  

Have fun. Look for small ways to have fun together. Leave a note or send a silly joke.  Connecting in a playful way is both fun and refreshing.   

At their best, healthy loving relationships provide an experience of being deeply valued for your authentic self. They allow us to live a healthier life as we gain confidence in our existing strengths and feel supported to take risks as we learn to build new ones.  

Dr. Thomas Lindquist, Psy.D.

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

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Reducing Stress through Body Awareness

When our brain perceives our circumstances as stressful, our body often reacts by becoming tense. Body awareness helps us recognize these physical sensations that indicate we are experiencing stress. Once we recognize and acknowledge these physical experiences, we can practice stress reduction exercises such as deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, body scanning or other basic mindfulness skills to help reduce our stress throughout the day.     

A 2016 study in the journal of Biological Psychology supports the role of body awareness for reducing stress. Researchers had participants engage in a stress inducing task and found that individuals with lower self-reported interoceptive awareness or reduced attention to bodily signals of stress displayed higher stress-related brain activation. In other words, the brain appears to register lower levels of stress when we are aware of the stress experienced in our body, thereby reducing our overall stress response.    

Improving your body awareness starts by recognizing when you feel stressed. General indications of stress include fatigue, muscle tension, headaches, upset stomach and sleep problems. You can also notice when your behavior changes as a reflection of stress if you find yourself struggling with angry outbursts, overeating, drinking excessively, withdrawing or skipping your typical self-care. In the moment, it is helpful to practice noticing if you feel anxious, restless, or irritable and when you find yourself thinking anxious or worrisome thoughts.  

A few ways to practice body awareness:

Deep breathing – Breathing techniques can be one of the most practical and easily accessible ways of reducing stress in the moment as they can be used at almost any point throughout the day. Practice taking a slow deep breath from your abdomen and silently count up to five. Next, hold your breath for a moment and again count silently count up to five. Finally, exhale slowly as you again silently count up to five. It can also be helpful to imagine yourself inhaling a sense of fresh energy and exhaling stress.  

Basic Mindfulness – Similar to breathing techniques, mindfulness can be used in virtually any circumstance. One practical way of applying mindfulness is to incorporate mindful moments throughout your day, such as pausing for a minute each time you sit down at your computer. This practice is especially helpful if you find more structure helpful. You can also pause at any point and practice bringing your attention to the present by noticing the sights and sounds in your environment. Likewise, you can practice mindfulness by selecting an object and focusing your attention on this object for a minute or so as you ground yourself in the present. All of these strategies can help you stay connected to your body by increasing present moment awareness. 

Body Scan – Body scan techniques apply mindfulness specifically to our awareness of our body and allow us to connect with areas of stress and release tension. This is likely the most effective way to practice and improve body awareness. You may practice sitting comfortably or laying down. Begin by noticing the pressure of your feet against the floor or bed, the temperature, comfort or discomfort, itches, or anything else. Expect your mind to wander, and when it does, return your attention to your feet. Let your attention rest with your feet for a minute or two before moving on and repeating this process with your legs and the rest of your body, all the way up to your head. Notice any physical sensations and practice breathing into areas of tension as you release stress by breathing and relaxing your muscles.  

Although all of these strategies are beneficial, simply becoming more aware of the stress we carry in our body is significant step in reducing our overall stress and the impact of stress on our well-being.  

Dr. Thomas Lindquist, Psy.D.

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

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